We never got to say goodbye properly, did we? At least not in public. Not that we do public. Mind you, you would be horrified at the idea of this blog. Or maybe you have always known that while you buried your feelings out of sight, I covered them up with an unstoppable banter. Whatever way you look at it, it is from you that I learnt to put up, shut up, explode, box up, never look back.
Although, it was only after you went that I learnt what untouchable pain really means.
How can I explain the crater in my soul, that will never be filled again? The fat, voluminous tears that emerge from the innermost depths and just pour out of my eyes when the thought of you grabs me unexpected?
I miss you like nobody before or after. Every day, every night.
At least I know that there was nothing left unsaid between us. It took us 30 years, but finally you got me, I got you. From that point on, it was easy.
I don't know why this year this date feels particularly sorrowful. Maybe there is a deadline to unspoken grief. Maybe once you open the lid, even just an inch, the flood of hidden feelings takes a life of its own and breaks all barriers.
Maybe saying goodbye wasn't all that necessary. Because, to me, you never went away.
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