Within less than a week, three different people, who know me in different measures, said that I am mad. And it wasn't just a reaction to something I did or said, it was a matter of fact statement. Apparently, I am slightly deranged. I took it as a compliment the first two times. The third one... I got worried. Well worried, not really.. more.. curious. Have I really lost it?
Sure, I quit my job during times of financial crisis without another employment awaiting for me. Sure, I write a blog about my emotional shortcomings. Sure, I have ditched all life plans and decided to take everyday as it comes. Sure, I wear my heart on my sleeve and have the worst poker face in the world. Sure, I share far more than I should, and very often end up regretting it.
And yet, there is some method in this madness. Becoming a blank canvas is scary and at the same time exciting. Not being defined by what you do means that you have to remember who you are. When your job is the number one player, you tend to forget that there is a person behind the role. When you start slowing down, you notice that thing called life that apparently went on happening while you were not looking. People, friends, lovers, family, seasons: that's where they all were.
I know, this is not really attainable in the long run. Stopping to smell the daisies can only take over for a limited amount of time. And I can't spend my life in the playground on my own, while everybody else is growing up.
But for now, I have a white page that is rapidly filling up with 'what to do in the next months'. No timelines, no deadlines. Just a bit of inspiration when waking up in the morning.
Remember the story of the professor who was invited to lecture on Efficient Time Management? If you fill a jar with, in this order, stones, pebbles, sand and water, they will all go in before the jar becomes completely full. But if you try and do it the other way around.. well, the stones will never make it.
Right now, I am emptying the jar.
EI, it's my hope and belief that life is most definitely to be lived permanently in a playground of our own making, that we have ourselves planted with daisies and lots of roses to smell whenever we choose to...don't let that idea go too easily :)
ReplyDeleteYou're not mad, darling. Not at all! You are just too clever. And if I said so... (fdb)
ReplyDeleteIf you said so, Consul Maximus, it's gotta be true! Thank you, my dearest.
ReplyDeleteA playground of our own making.. one each? Are we allowed to share? Can we have calla lilies too?